Without Looking Back
by King Baka
Summary: Everyone assumes Kikyou was Inuyasha's first love, but what if she wasn't?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc. I'm just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I've created. I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.

A/N – this story was written for the "Sensory Overload" Challenge at Iyhedonism on LiveJournal. Our task was to write 5-6 entries in a single series, each 250-500 words long, based on the 5 senses and ESP as an optional bonus. The chapters in this story are therefore themed in the following order:

Sight

Taste

Touch

Sound

Smell

ESP

Series Title: Without Looking Back

Genre: Angst, Romance

Universe: pre-canon

Characters: Inuyasha/OC (this is no one you know, I promise)

Rating: R

Summary: Everyone assumes that Kikyou was Inuyasha's first love, but what if she wasn't?

Warnings: none

The Sight of Her

There she was again, the girl who so enchanted the young hanyou boy. They were about the same age, around thirteen or fourteen. He sighed in relief; his daily ritual of wondering whether she would come was over, at least until tomorrow.

He never grew tired of looking at her, watching her graceful movements from afar as she gathered flowers and herbs in the meadow. She was no longer a girl, but neither was she a woman. She possessed a slim build, the tantalizing swells of her breasts and hips still developing. She wore a simple yellow kimono, decorated in a floral pattern and complimented by a light blue wrap skirt. Her hair was reddish-brown, a highly unusual color for the humans of the area. It matched her eyes, a deep russet color that reminded him of autumn leaves. Occasionally she would wear a brilliant white flower in her hair, as she was today. It only added to her beauty in the hanyou's opinion.

Every smile from her quickened his heartbeat, and when she looked around, he forgot to breathe. Part of him wished that one day she would see him, but his fear of being discovered more than outweighed that desire. He had been rejected by humans his entire life, and had no reason to believe this girl would be any different. Still, he could not help but cling to the hope that maybe she was different from the others. Maybe she could accept him as he was.

His rational mind and memories told him this was a fool's longing, but he held onto it tightly. Nevertheless, his fear of rejection kept him from approaching her. The privilege of watching her was too precious to risk in such rash action. So he remained hidden, observing her from the safety of the forest. After a full lunar cycle of seeing her nearly every day, he still did not know her name. To him, she was a goddess, too heavenly for any mortal moniker. She did not need a name.

She rose and slowly walked off the way she had come. The hanyou boy sighed, gazing longingly at her until she disappeared from view. Then he stood and set out to find something to eat. He would be back the following morning to wait for his goddess to grace him with her presence once more.


	2. Chapter 2

A Bitter Taste

"_Inuyasha…"_

_His goddess was kneeling in their meadow, beckoning him with a friendly wave of her hand. The hanyou boy gulped, cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. His feet felt like heavy stones, his legs as if they were made of wax. _

"_Inuyasha…"_

_But the second call of his goddess cured his body of its crippling ailments, and he sprinted toward her, afraid that she would change her mind and turn him away if he delayed any longer. She giggled at his eagerness as he stopped stiffly before her. She motioned for him to sit, and he complied dumbly. Giggling again, she favored him with a cheerful smile that eased the tension from his body and made it seem as if all was right with the world. _

_His nerves returned full-force as she reached for him. He instinctively shied away from her, but she pressed on and finally her hand made contact with his cheek. She just held it there, tenderly stroking with her thumb. Now the hanyou boy leaned into her touch. It had been so long since anyone touched him like this; his mother had been the one and only person to ever show him this much affection. His eyes slid shut as he surrendered himself to his goddess. _

_They snapped open again when he felt her other hand grasp his ear, but he did not pull away. These hands were gentle, loving, so unlike the rough and uncaring hands which had pulled and pinched when he was a small boy. He felt a lone tear spring to his eye and tried to blink it back, but it flowed down his cheek anyway. His goddess paused, wiping away the stray tear and soothing his shame at having allowed it to fall in the first place. She smiled at him again, and this time he was able to hesitantly smile back. _

_Suddenly her expression morphed into a smirk, and the hanyou boy gulped again. His body heated and swelled, reacting to the lust in the air. He was frightened, but too aroused to flee. His goddess reached down and took his hand, placing it on her breast. She urged him to move, and threw her head back when he cautiously obeyed, moaning and baring her throat to his eyes. The hanyou boy licked his lips. More than anything in the world, he wanted to taste her. He leaned in to do just that…_

The hanyou boy woke with a startled cry, his body spasming without his consent. His cock throbbed, releasing his semen into the fabric of his pants. He lay on his belly breathing heavily, wondering what had just happened. He had certainly never had a dream like that before, or the accompanying physical reaction. He hoped it would not be the last; that had been without a doubt the best dream he had ever enjoyed. So…why did he feel so dirty? Contemplating this bizarre feeling, he headed down to the river to clean up.


	3. Chapter 3

An Empty Touch

After a morning of reflection, the hanyou boy finally figured out why he felt dirty about his dream the night before. Even though it was not real, in his mind he had done something he had no right to do. He had no right to touch his goddess, especially not on her breast. He blushed at the memory. And he certainly had no right to taste her, to assault her tender flesh with his vile tongue and filthy mouth. She was so pure, so innocent, and he was a monster, his body and soul irreparably tainted. He almost felt as if he had raped her, though she had been more than willing in his dream. His mind had crafted her acquiescence; he was sure she would not be so agreeable to his touch if he approached her in person.

The sun was high in the sky when he spied his goddess emerging from the trees at the other end of the meadow. His relief was doubly intense today; his mind had been entertaining the irrational idea that she had somehow witnessed his dream and decided to never return to their meadow again. He was ecstatic to see her, as breathtaking as ever, appearing as if nothing had changed. As he watched her, a single persistent thought continually pressed against his consciousness, refusing to be ignored.

Would it really be so bad if he touched her? Just a simple touch, barely anything at all? He desperately wanted to; he felt that a single iota of physical contact would make him the happiest hanyou in the world. After spending much of the afternoon gathering his courage, he quietly made his way around the meadow to the path his goddess would take to return home, concealing himself in a thicket. His heart thundered wildly in his chest when she stood and made her way toward him, and he feared it would give him away. But she did not show any sign of being aware of him as she closed the distance, passing within mere feet of his position. At the last moment he reached out and placed a single clawed finger under her hair, allowing it to flow along the digit as she walked past.

She spun quickly, seeming to know that the sensation had not been a tree branch catching her hair. The hanyou boy hid behind a large tree trunk, praying to all the Kami that she would not investigate. After what seemed an eternity of waiting, her footsteps resumed, falling in rapid succession as she hurried along her way. He didn't know if she had seen him.

Far more worrisome than his potential discovery was how his actions made him feel. He had finally touched her, and he was supposed to be overjoyed, right? He was supposed to smile and swear never to wash that finger again. Yet, his emotions were dark and frightening. He went away, brooding silently.


	4. Chapter 4

The Sound of Her Scream

The young hanyou boy didn't sleep a wink that night. It gave him plenty of time to contemplate his feelings, something which he had been doing a lot lately.

It was an empty touch. It didn't mean anything, beyond the fact that he could sneak around and steal unwanted contact from a helpless girl. She didn't even know him, and he had touched her without regard for how she would feel about it, or how afraid she would be afterwards. His guilt weighed heavily on him for the rest of the day, and he refused to visit his goddess, as if in punishment.

He returned the following day, anxious for her comforting presence. When he watched her from afar, she warmed his heart and filled it with life. She was the only thing that made him smile.

His goddess was late. With dread settling into his stomach, he wondered if his asinine stunt had scared her away. He would never forgive himself if it had. The hanyou boy was just settling into despair when he heard something that chilled his blood.

The sound of her scream.

He had never heard her voice, but he knew it was her. He flew through the forest, his feet barely touching the ground, running faster than he had ever run before. He picked up her scent, and another mixed in, rotten, nasty, and dangerous.

Youkai.

Snarling to himself, the hanyou boy drove himself harder, pushing his tired legs to the limit. Then he saw her, stumbling through the trees in a blind panic, fleeing from the hulking monster on her heels. She tripped over a malicious root and fell, and the youkai moved in for the kill. It was a huge beast, many times larger than the hanyou boy, but the latter showed no hesitation as he charged in to almost certain death. His last thought as he leapt, claws raised, was the hope that he could buy his goddess enough time to escape.

With a mighty cry he flung his claws down into the youkai's belly. Rippling waves of energy exploded from his fingers, slicing the mighty beast to pieces and scattering its body to the winds. The hanyou boy stood amid the carnage, staring at his hand in amazement. An unfamiliar power flowed through his veins. He felt strong, like he wasn't just some ordinary hanyou, but someone destined for greatness. His body pulsed with youki, powerful and majestic, and he recognized it as his own. It was like meeting a long lost brother for the first time.

Eventually his youki subsided, but he could still sense it within him, its strength available to him whenever he needed it. He thought back to vanquishing the youkai, and decided that such a potent attack required a name. _"Sankon Tetsusou,"_ he decided after a moment. A small whimper from behind him drew his attention, and after a deep breath to calm his nerves, he turned to face his goddess.


	5. Chapter 5

The Smell of Her Fear

She was cowering on the ground, clutching her swollen ankle, unable to move. Her eyes widened as she gazed up at him, the russet orbs darkened with terror. He took a step toward her, his hand coming up and his mouth opening to ask if she was alright.

She cringed away from him, closing her eyes and choking out a petrified cry. The hanyou boy stopped in his tracks, his hand falling to his side. The overpowering smell of her fear hit him in a rush, nearly dropping him to his knees. The realization that she was afraid of _him_ caused him to stumble a few steps back.

He imagined what he must look like to her. A boy with the body of a human but the ears and fangs of an animal, covered in the blood and gore of a victim of his vicious claws. Even though that 'victim' had tried to eat her, it was no wonder she was terrified of him. In that moment, the hanyou boy made a difficult decision. The last thing he wanted to do was cause his goddess fear. He could never see her again.

The hanyou boy turned to leave, his gaze panning up toward the sun. He could already hear other humans coming closer, probably attracted by the girl's screams. They would take care of her. After a brief pause, Inuyasha walked away without looking back, leaving the weak hanyou boy behind.

His dream of finding someone to accept him as a hanyou was folly, after all. Now, he would move on, and seek a way to become stronger. His youki was his strength, and his humanity his weakness, and from now on he would focus on his new goal of becoming a full-blooded youkai. Only then, he knew, would anyone accept him.


	6. Chapter 6

Knowing Her

Inuyasha stared at the old woman, not quite believing what he was seeing. She stared back at him, recognition in her eyes. Even after almost sixty years, they recognized one another.

Inuyasha didn't know how he knew it was her, he just did. It was something from deep inside him, some strange feeling that he couldn't quantify. But there was no doubt this was the young girl he had loved from afar all those years ago.

She was no longer a goddess. Time had not been kind to her; her face was sunken and wrinkled, her once brilliant reddish-brown hair faded to pale white. Even her eyes had changed, their brightness dimmed by years of labor and hardship. Even so, he was drawn to her as always. His mind wandered back, reacquainting itself with memories long forgotten.

"Come on, Inuyasha! We're leaving!"

The hanyou came back to himself with a start, Kagome's voice having broken his former goddess' hold on him. Not pausing this time, Inuyasha turned and walked away without looking back. Kagome was waving at him, and his friends were all smiling. Feeling a grin tug at the corners of his lips, he joined them.

Everything he thought he knew back then had been proven wrong. His humanity was not always weakness, and his youki not always a strength. It was not foolish to hope someone would accept him as a hanyou; all of the people currently journeying with him did. His life had changed drastically since the lonely days of his youth, and he was never going back. Recently, a new hope had sprung up in the depths of his heart, that perhaps he could experience love as a hanyou as well. Glancing at his miko companion, the one who had taught him all of this, he realized that perhaps that dream was not folly either.

The End


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